Monday, May 06, 2002

Watty explains:

It's been a bank holiday weekend. It's also been somewhat unusual, for reasons which I shall endeavour to explain:
This is now a house of boys. Zoë went to Dublin this morning; the first time she's been since her mum died. It's a hard thing for her to do on her own (but she needs to do it on her own), and it leaves us three boys here on our own until Saturday, when Mummy will be welcomed back with tales of how Daddy has indulged meals on the living room floor and no baths. Some of which may be true, I grant. So, we're just fine here really - except that it rained and was cold for most of today, which has meant that, since coming back from the airport, we've been stuck in the house - my plans for excursions to the park or the zoo at the end of the village came to naught, and we sat in and watched Bank Holiday Films (Herbie Rides Again, which isn't funny any more, sadly (did I imagine it was, or were we more innocent when I was young?) and the Flintstones, which was teeth-grindingly bad, but the boys liked some of it), and just played silly games. Which isn't at all a bad way to spend a cold, wet Monday.

Depression Index:
Here it comes; the one I was dreading. The Beast is back. No, I didn't really think it was gone, but it had been a while; and I thought I was on top of things. Following all those weeks of calm, and even positiveness; and immediately following a very good day on Friday - for the first time since I moved into IT; I really felt I could hold my own in a pretty technical meeting - up to now, I have known enough to busk it, but I usually end up doing some background reading afterwards. Saturday was good; nothing specific, just 'good'; and we had an 'early night' (read into that what you will - it wasn't that early...) after being bowled over by Moulin Rouge - I feel a strong urge to expound on that later - and I woke up yesterday...

Well, that's not true - I never truly woke up yesterday; something had happened overnight, or whatever, and I spent the day in a daze. We had friends over for the day, and I must have been - well, unusual, shall we say (sorry, Mandy - all you needed right now). However, there's a but...

But. Things have changed. I took Zoë's advice, and went out. I walked across the Downs for over an hour. I thought about what was causing it; and I resolved my behaviour, and managed to be bearable for the rest of the day. I was anxious about today - not about being left in charge of the boys; that's tiring, but not impossible; but about Zoë being away. It may sound corny after (counts) nearly 17 years of marriage; but I still worry endlessly about her when she's out of my sight - how will she cope with the emotional stress? How will she cope with the travelling, and the endless generosity of all her relatives? What if.... But I don't allow myself What Ifs now - it's one of the games I played at my worst to wind myself up, and to give succour to the Beast (I don't, as a matter of interest, routinely refer to it as such; it's just handy shorthand) - except, my mind doesn't always remember the rules. So I got myself wound up and the depression fed on that; and I was over tired (as usual), and... well, you get the idea. But I got through it; I talked about it; I went out and dealt with it; and for a dreadful day; it was actually quite bearable. And I've bounced back extremely well today - I was even perfectly calm all the time I was waiting to hear if she had arrived safely. So, chalk one up for me, I think - not a good day, but so much better handled this time. Now I need to work on not needing to be prompted...

So, I may be a bit quiet this week - the boys will take a lot of what little spare time I may have; and I might try to get a bit more sleep, too... But I'm still here.

And there are way too many semi-colons in that.

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